Medicine is Hard

It's been told and retold that this path is hard. It's not for the faint of heart and it's not forgiving. Medicine requires you to be the best you you can possibly be because mistakes are not forgiven easily. And that's what's hard about it.

When I look at doctors further down in their career who preach about self care, I cringe. "That's easy for you to say," I think. "Have you forgotten how hard it was?" Through it all I feel like a hypocrite. Mental health is what I am most passionate about, and yet I cannot even find that balance in myself. I cannot extricate myself from this toxic environment and create a place just for me.

I suppose part of becoming the best version of me is understanding how to take care of me in this environment. How do I carve out a space for myself here? Where I can truly function to the best of my capacity? I give up hating on myself for never being able to follow a schedule. I give up struggling against myself. I find this bit of being the best me really really hard. There's no denying, however, that planning and consistency is one of the most important parts. I give up trying to find "my way" when that is really just code for giving into my own vices. I see the hole I am in. I know how I got here. I know that I was responsible for this. Now I must find a way out.

Tony Robbins talks about priming - really creating that micro-environment of extreme gratitude and power before beginning every day. What does that look like for me? I have gingerly planned out a new kind of day tomorrow. A precious 24 hours I will not let slip me by. Shit may be tough, but I'm tougher. A placation, perhaps. Cheesy even. My judgement got me to this weird, unproductive place. This doesn't seem to bad of a place to make a fresh start. Progress to be reported soon.

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